After my divorce in 2010 I thought everything in my life
would just magically fall into place. It didn’t. In fact, it got worse.
Although I was happy to be out of my marriage, I couldn’t seem to find my way
back to being productive, successful, and happy. Truth is I was depressed more
than I realized. And it seemed like no matter what I tried, failed which made
me more depressed.
I kept up the good appearance of working through things just
fine but I isolated myself most of the time with the excuse that I didn’t have
the money to do things or spend time with friends. It was true that I was broke
but there’s plenty you can do that doesn’t cost a dime and puts you in contact
with positive people, like volunteer.
I did meditate, read and belonged to a spiritual community I loved yet I couldn’t seem to get past my fear. You see I’ve lived most of
my life in fear. Afraid of really going for it in work, relationships, I
settled because deep down I didn’t think I deserved what I really desired.
It took me breaking open to break free. What do I mean by
breaking open? I mean losing just about everything, having to borrow money to
live, having my heart shredded in pieces by a man I loved, having every fear
and false belief I’d held about myself come to the surface so I had to face it,
feel it and free it.
It was emotional pain I’d never felt before so deep like
every bit of hurt and anger I’d ever felt came exploding like a volcano to the
surface of my being at once. It was a lifetime of shame, sorrow and belief that
I didn’t matter, that in order to be loved I had to hide who I really was and
not ask for what I wanted or needed, that I needed to please and take care of
others first before I could be loved.
And at the same time it was freeing. Freeing in that I finally
was seeing it for what it was; my fear, and willing to relinquish it so I could
allow the truth to begin to settle within me.
After a month or so of crying a lot and being in a really dark place, I
began to lighten. I knew throughout this process I was shedding old beliefs,
old patterns and I was ready to liberate the fear that had kept me small up
until now.
It’s not that I don’t experience fear now, I do. Overwhelm,
anger, frustration, procrastination and even anxiety all surface but it doesn’t
control me anymore. I don’t freak out
and think nothing’s going to work out when I have a challenge now. It might
suck yet now I know I’ll get through it. Now I know what to do to get back to a
place of peace and that good solutions don’t come from decisions made in panic.
I’m not scared anymore because I’ve realized everything in life is temporary
and when I appreciate what is present, right here and now and that I can choose
how I feel and react, I know that I have the power to determine the direction I
want to take my life.
Am I exactly where I want to be? Not yet. And that’s O.K.
because I’m focused on what I intend to create, thankful for what I currently
have and trusting of the journey. I’m on my way and who knows what exciting
adventures I may experience along the way.
So the moral of this story is in order for you to break free
of your fear and the pain you’ve been holding inside of you, you have to feel
it and go through it to release it. There’s no other way to the other side, to
peace. You can try self medicating with alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex,
whatever, the pain and fear you’re suppressing will continue to come until you
give yourself permission to release it. I suppressed mine for years until it
erupted like Mt Vesuvius. You don’t have to go down the same path. Allow it to
surface, feel it, and free it. It’ll make all the difference in your life.
If you’d like to know more about freeing your fear, click here to receive the 1st Chapter of my book, Get the “F” Out!
